I wish I cared about stuff at the moment. I wish I cared about fandom politics and sexuality/gender issues and even the sodding government sodding everything up, and fic that is awesome and the latest facebook shitstorm/"improvement" and what's doing the rounds on Tumblr and all that. I wish I cared about writing stories and even just watching fandom shows. I wish I did.
Thing is, this is how I know my illness is much, much worse than it has been in the past. I've never walled myself off from fandom like this before. I have been and am, really, really, really ill. Too ill to work, too ill to be able to go outside the flat in a bad day. Just too ill. I realised doing my DLA form today that I don't conceptualise myself as ill, just as someone who can't cope. But I am, actually, frighteningly, ill enough to continue with a behaviour which could stop my heart, right there in an instant,
because I just can't stop doing it.
I fear that there's no coming back from this. I don't know how to get back to fandom. I feel like it's just built up this huge wall of terror and loss and if I make a chink the whole thing will fall down on me. Knowing that I've probably not been missed by more than one or two people makes it easier to stay away. I'm scared to come back and be rejected and I'm scared to try and realise I can't do it. All I think about is my illness and I don't want that in my writing, I don't want to see other people writing about it and fucking it up, I don't want to write the next chapter of something and realise no-one cares.
But I want,
so much, to come home.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
